All The Lights In The Sky Are Stars

Today was okay. I'm beginning to hate the humidity. I've just got back from Karate and I ache like a motherflipper.

Today was an odd day because I had a driving lesson in the morning at 9. I didn't get into work until 12. The lesson was...frustrating. It's been a while since I've been in a car and I wasn't in the mood to get told what to do, either. Just one of those moods, y'know the ones. So it wasn't exactly fun. Work was dull yet tiring, partially due to the heat, partially due to the fact that I'll get into later. There was very little for me to do, basically. The ride home was the weirdest part. Y'know that feeling you get when you're just on the cusp of sleep, your eyes fluttering closed, your body feeling lighter and more detached but still only just there, things not quite registering properly in your head?

Try riding home with that.

It freaked me out big time. Which brings me to that thing I mentioned earlier that I'd get back to: Tiredness. I've been experimenting with my sleep, heading to bed early, getting up at more reasonable times (well, reasonable whilst still not being late for work), and it doesn't seem to help. I have almost no energy most of the time. I'm like an old man. It's beginning to get annoying. I'm eating pretty decently, cut out readsy-meals almost all together, three to five pices of fruit a day, try my best to do as much physical stuff as I can during the day, work up a proper sweat, really put my everything into Karate...

I dunno. Worst part is I've gotta make up the 4 hours I missed due to driving on Friday, meaning I won't leave from work until 6:40 >_ <

Yesterday was just as dull, only after work I got to go see Inception, which has become almost immediately one of my favourite films. So stylish, so head-bendy. Was actually on the edge of my seat.

Sunday was also very cool. Ran my first campaign portion, think it went...okay. Finding time to write up the next part, as I've deviated from the sample campaign so much already, is tough beans. I'll find a way though

Unless I pass out.

PS OMFG One Piece movie 10! I gotta watch this with someone, even though I'm watching it now! http://www.watch-onepiece.com/watch/537-one-piece-movie-10-strong-world-subbed/

Crappy day is le crappy...

Got up late, managed to order the wrong cinema tickets, so shelled out twice (managed ot get a refund but before that it was pretty frustrating). Had intended to go in earlier to pick up a few things, read the wrong timetable and missed the bus. Bought some tools and a zippo though, so I guess it was handy. Only the zippo's kinda broken...

Went and watched Toy Story 3 this evening. I can safely say it's my favourite Disney film with perhaps the best 'message' presented in perhaps the best way. I'm already planning a way of presenting the storylines of the overall trilogy in some form of epic myth or religious story. I'm telling you, it could work.

Had a headache at the end, then it was proposed we go get Fish 'n' Chips, so we did, and now I feel bloated and smell terribly of grease and frying. My head has gotten worse.

Then the crux of my porblemo. My computer, the one downstairs, the one I'm not writing on, seems to not like the internet we're feeding it anymore. Can't be a problem with the modem, as this one upstairs draws internet from it and runs dandy. So why is it I can't get into MSN, Skype or load any pages on either of my two browsers on my own computer? I've deleted the history, I've done all kinds of turning it off and on again, lots of wiping, lots of virus checks...gah.

May send a few texts and just head off to bed.

Work was pretty good today, first day of Chris's shift. Always the best shift, they help me find stuff to do the most. The all seemed in a funk though...a wasp also got into my clothes and stung me twice. Most painful.

Been indulging in the Sad Keanu meme, for those brief moments when my internet likes to load sites, like now. That and hearing Spoony-s thoughts on Inception. Might go see it Saturday...

As for my moods, no much to tell. Influenced a fair bit by the unrelenting pain in most of my muscles, which is unusual but probably just me being a wuss/overdoing it yesterday. Apart from that, I think my problems are all with one person, actually. Y'know, bar myself. And overall, my instinct of self-preservation is kicking in. Perhaps minor changes, perhaps major changes. Alls I know is a wave of acceptance washes over me. Now I just hope it'll last.

Weird having these childish problems and experiencing them through an adult perspective, when you should know how to deal with it all but old age obscures the past.

Yesterday was pretty awesome, like the Gods smiled down on me. My bike broke down, yet this somehow wrangled me a free day, the latest Scott Pilgrim and a new album from MSPA. WTF, world? That's a WTF of thanks, though.

Today was lousy when work was involved, very boring, was plagued with a special...frustration. I was looking forward to Karate to help me work some of this...frustration out. And while it did indeed do just that and it filled me with joy and determination, it also potentially knackered me out, especially those two joints of mine that're poorly.

But now...I feel kinda empty. Too grown up. It's weird.

Scott Pilgrim is all about growing up. We see how he sees his memories in the volumes previously, and as time goes on we see how it really went down, leading to him realising that the only way to stop making mistakes is to look at them, learn from them, face reality and himself. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing that. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just surrounded by people who don't...

Think I'm coming out of my dark patch, though.

I need to get more regular with this shit...

Anywaaaaaay

Dusting off my memory, I've spent the last week facing danger, climbing a mountain in my soul, getting stupid and existential, terrified of the future, working hard, being burned out like never before, videogaming and cherishing every ounce of my friends. These are not in any order, they happen over and over, even now.  I'm going quite quite mad, though still sane enough to ensure dodging doctors.

Stuff before Monday! I underwent severe mood-whiplash lots but mellowed out, work was nice as I never didn't have stuff to do. Sunday I was mellow enough to really  enjoy to its fullest, which is super-win. We also generated our Muse Guard characters. One was missing, but that'll soon change, mwehehehe

Monday! I took Monday off because har dee har, I like free days. That and I'm now used to the getting-days-off system. Was feeling insular and such, bought some tools, felt supremely tired. But hey, got to hang out with Iz for a bit, so good there.

Tuesday! A day of repetetive pain. Almost late to work, soaked to the bone. Work was dull, no-one gave me stuff to do or told me what needed doing. Well, there was one job, working on a machine still running and trying to make sure it didn't...go wrong. I felt shattered. By this point everything aches. So I hop on my scootay to go home, downpour again, and I come off my bike on a roundabout, screwing my knee up. It's still bruised, tad swollen, but that wasn't the case when I then went and did Karate, which I haven't done in a number of weeks, my arm still shuddering in pain everytime I try to punch correctly and with power, my knees playing up, my head getting a headache, feeling like a slow weakling, feeling hungry and asasdsdfassdadasdfsfsf it was a weird mix of fun and...less than fun.

Wednesday! Pretty uneventful, just hurt a lot. Then there was playing Magic cards with Giles for a bit.

Thursday! Work gave me all the shitty jobs, I did them, my muscles screamed out in suffering. I went home, argued about Battlestar Galactica and how intelligent Tony Stark really is, then went over to Izzy's for a meal I'm apparently owed. Nice relaxing evening, until a darkness invaded my mood, but I talked it out, thus proving that comradeship, like in One Piece, is the solution to every problem there is.

Friday! By which I mean Today! Ahhhh, POETS day. How I love it so. If you couldn't guess, work was dull. Just did all the checks, furthered my hatred of ladders and heights, drank an inordinate amount of water, have grooves in my shoulders from carrying huge ladders, replaced a bulb, took it out again, and now I'm here. Feelin'...pretty darn good, actually. Gonna go watch a play my brother Owen is in, potential free pub meal in doing so. Super bonus. Tomorrow I am potentially gonna see if that Moomin deal still stands at Coach-House Books in Pershore, probably grab some more tools, and relaaaaaaaaaax

Then Sunday I'mma hang out with my best of the best buddies! Win.

Forgot to post again

Been a bit calmer, a have my mental waters. The raging currents are below the erratic waves for now. I'm pretty lucky you're all so good at diffusing my porblemos without even trying. Well...MOST of you.

Not done much. Work is giving me a few more responsibilities, which is good. I'm taking Monday off so as to better enjoy the weekend, and also to pick up a few tools. Got clocked pretty hard in the collarbone by accident today, too. Hurts kinda bad, probably bruised.

Music has been on my mind lately. It has a bigger effect on me then I'd thought, so I wanted to share some meaningful songs with y'all. As best I can, anyhow.


This song is like a lullaby to me. I can sit and listen to it endlessly and never even notice any time pass. It fills me full of acceptance, really mellows me out. Her voice is just amazing. It helps that the lyrics stick in my head too.


This one is something I like to listen to when I've got a lot going on or getting done, when there's lots of running around and to-ing and fro-ing. I find it really helps me step back and plan, like a general overseeing a battleplan. Keeps my hands moving, keeps me focused. Perfect for gaming or working. Plus the title is genius.


This song haunts me lots. And the video was too good to pass up.


This song is possibly my favourite Interpol song. I had a dream where I was in a band and we played this song on a small stage, with a few people I knew, few I didn't and a few I will know in the future maybe. I remember vividly that a little girl was standing in front of the stage and dancing with such excitement. I couldn't help grinning. It was my daughter. I miss that dream.


Just an incredible song by an incredible musician. I've really started to get into DT lately. I love the energy in this song, the manic timing and pace, the lyrics resonate with me quite a lot, even if it is stupid to say. It's a song that really drives you forward.


This song is very important. It is. Lately it makes me quite sad though...


By far my favourite Coheed and Cambria song. Always somehow cheers me up. As does the next song...


Opening to a considerably awesome anime. Great sound, great vibe, got that howling feeling. Cheers me right up.


Yeah...nerdy as hell, but damn, it is epic. Fills everything with purpose

Sorry for the huge number of embeds, trying something different

Do I just invite this shit?

Do I have "I'd really love everything to go the opposite of to-the-plan, thank you" written all over me in magic writing that compels the universe to comply?

Right. Went to work. Was boring as sin but it always is. Drive was okay. Iz said she was gonna be in Brum in our new house (potentially, but I'll get into the potentiality of it later) due to her playing a game with some friends on the Saturday. I figured, what the hell, I'll pop over, it's the weekend so I can stay the night and head back on the Saturday. Piddly easy.

Battered and bruised from boring but hard work I drag myself onto my scooter and trundle on in a vaguely confused manner to my destination. It takes me some time, I get lost a bit, but I expected that so it's all gravy. Finally get there and no-one's in. Check my phone, which has made no effort to indicate I have texts, and it turns out she ain't there.

Fucking great.

And rush hour hits, yay!

So through hellish traffic, my arm, neck, shoulders, back, spine, ass, balls and feet killing me stone cold dead and a near-blinding incoherent rage, I have just made it home.

Fuck Iz's friends for not telling her/letting her chill there, fuck my phone for not telling me, fuck the roads, fuck the other drivers, fuck Birmingham and it's insanely long commute, fuck the shitty doom-ridden workplace and fuck everything because this is starting to become not worth it.

My laziness meant I didn't update yesterday but I had intended to. It ties in with today, mirroring a lot of my thoughts of today too. I'll write it all up.

Travel has become a nuisance. My back-box came flying off for no reason on Wednesday, I spent most of the day patching it up. Doesn't help that I'm so tired I occasionally grind the curb, either...

I've got squat when it comes to the Mouse Guard game. I'm trying, but nada. My cells have died. Gonna have another bash tomorrow

My dreams are getting strange again. One perfect one I want to fly in forever followed by many painful and disturbing ones seems to be how it goes night by night. And I'm so tired. So very fucking tired, I sleep equal hours but I'm dying on my feet here.

My taste for alcohol has disappeared.

Aaaaand my brain feels like it's cracking. More appropriately, my mind. I have to watch my brother and his depression every day and it's so tiresome.  He always looks so defeated...he never does anything, if it has too much to do with reality. I can't grasp the whole "I'm unhappy but I'm not even really gonna try to fix it, making me feel worse" thing. I can't grasp it properly, anyhow. What disturbs me the most is how I see in him a reflection. I sympathise so much with him, what thoughts he's translated to me I find myself having felt or currently feeling. Isolation, bitterness, surrender...I know where he's coming from. It so often really doesn't seem worth it...I'm getting a lot angrier again too. I've lost my outlets though, or so it feels. Lost the time to find them, too. I feel so under pressure but I also feel like nobody's helping me. I feel unimportant and torn between two raging voices telling me that that's right or wrong.

I'm getting cold feet...

So, my week.

Pretty dull, the times when there's actual work to do are nice though. College is done with. Until September.

Think I'm hitting one of my downers. Ever get that, where your mind speaks like a hyperactive paranoid with way too much coffee and the analytical mind of Sherlock Holmes?

No? Just me?

I'm worried and doubtful about a lot...lots of fictional scenarios in my dreams, both waking and sleeping, are seeming more real to me then they should again. My mind often hurts and I just wanna retreat into my shell a lot lately, push things away, get space, lots of safe space. Staving off stupidity is harder than staving off insanity, I tells ya.

Luckily, I've got a good mix of songs in my head and have pre-ordered the last Scott Pilgrim volume. Score.

I miss you guys. Please ignore, overlook or beat my current emo-ness out of me, much as I'm rejecting everyone right now I am actually wanting friendship. Just, y'know, relaxing, watching movies, no strings. I want that immature maturity. No more games or fast-paced-ness. Wanna sop being jealous and start enjoying shit again.

Is it me or is it always summer that does this?

Just gotten my moped, almost shit myself.

I'm gonna need a lot more practice and I gotta be good by Monday

BRB, curling up in the corner. (plus Dune's on)

Wanna know how long it's taken me just to get onto posting an LJ?

28 minutes

28 goddamn minutes

And if it's just that my brother is downloading shit, I'm not gonna be happy.

Lightning fast update, then.

My internet is having a massive slow-down, no idea why. That means pretty much no video updates, no MSPA, no MSN, barely any email...it's amazing how dependant we can become. Or me, at least. It's my main method of communication and it's kind've important/necessary at this stage because I need to friggin' buy insurance.

Why?

Well, it's obvious. I'm gettin' mah scootskie on Saturday. Though from now on I'll just call it a scooter.

What else've I been up to...

I've read the finale to FMA (amazing manga, much like 20th Century Boys, I'm gonna have to buy every one), I've played on Mario Galaxy 2 (better in some ways, worse in others), I've dealt with my own mildly troubled mind reflected in watching my brothers deteriorating one (he's on medication now, causing me increasing worry), I've been told that Friday is my last day at the training centre (which is putting me under mildly intense pressure), aaaaaaand I feel isolated, confused and once more frayed at the edges. Huzzah.

I'm hoping y'all read this and realise I'm not ignoring people or anything, I'm just having a run of bad luck. An extended one. Bad luck is something ?I can tough out on my own, though, so no need to call the cavalry just yet.